But Not Really
by lavariel
Summary: They hated their beauty, their eyes, their bodies, everything, but not really. (Tsusoka)


**But Not Really**

**By:** ThisbeCeyx

**Rating:** G

**Warnings:** Word repetition and a drabble that formed at the back of my mind at random.

**Author's notes:** This was written to fend off my irritation at my current author's block with Killing Me Softly. I have the whole plot in my head but I just cant seem to put it into words. Gah! Oh well… Hope you like it. I actually thought of the plot during my one-year old cousin's birthday party.

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_Hisoka._

His eyes were green, but not really. Sometimes, there was a faint illumination of black in his upper irises. It was those times when he was overcome by grief, memories and sorrow; the shadows that circled his eyes reciprocated his broken soul. He seemed oblivious to it though. But Tsu-chan wasn't. He was aware of the pain of having to fly with one broken wing. Tsu-chan knew how much he hurt but said nothing. Sometimes, the silence was comforting. No words were exchanged, only love and shy touches.

He looked weak, but not really. Sometimes, people see him to be so without further ado just because he hasn't really reached the peak of his adolescence. He was but a mere child with a frail-looking body and a beauty that shun whenever he gave little hints of gladness. He wanted to protect Tsu-chan. He wanted to be his reason for living. He wanted Tsu-chan to let him know just how much he meant to him. For once, he didn't want to be selfish with his life; he wanted to share it with someone. Tsu-chan.

He seemed rude, but not really. Sometimes, with those little grunts, glares of impatience and unintelligible words, people distance themselves away from him. He never seemed to care, never seemed to show a bit of concern or sympathy; he always walked away from those comforting gestures. He wanted to be loved, yes, but touched, no. It made him shudder, close his heart and paint it with black. Tsu-chan always stayed either way. He was happy. He didn't show it though. Tsu-chan would always smile, laugh and make him blush. For the first time in his life and afterlife, his words and gestures lied. Grunts meant a quiet thank you and appreciation. Glares meant he was happy but didn't want to show it. Curses meant he liked occasional disturbances from his usually heavy work. Tsu-chan made all of those possible. Truly, he was a most powerful shinigami, ne?

He looked like a doll, but not really. Sometimes, the doctor would absently think of his lovely toy and resent the fact that he never had the chance to break him once again. He was beautiful; no one seemed to say otherwise. But had it not for that particular quality, he might have not died so cruelly and became a shinigami. He was proud. Afterlife seemed like a heaven compared to the world of the living. For once, he was thankful he looked like a doll. He _did_ mind though. If that was concerning Kazu-chan, of course.

* * *

Tsuzuki.

He seemed to really love sweets, but not really. Yes, he liked them but he was not obsessed. It seemed to suit his broken soul though. It made him concentrate on something of less importance and it meant less time for self-mutilation. His whole salary being spent on delicacies didn't matter, he needed these for a distraction. He needed to show to everyone that he did have a hobby, eating, that is, other than trying to slash his wrists and get away with it. He had a reason to act childish for once; he never enjoyed his childhood. He very much wanted to spend his early years like a normal boy, but that never happened. And so, with the sweets and stuff, he could act like a little boy again.

He was discriminated because he was a monster, but not really. You could ask the whole EnMaCho and get a whole chorus of cheers for him. They loved him; he was a kind but lazy slack. He would skip his work to fend off his appetite to the human world but he always had a smile for everyone. He would always argue with Terazuma and wreck the office but everyone trusted him. He would be Watari's partner in crime but he was a great shinigami. He would always be at Tatsumi's 'deduct-paycheck list' but everyone understood him and cared for him, all the same. For once, he had a home.

He loved to smile, but not really. It was more of an obligation to him than a usual expression. He had to smile; everyone needed the assurance that he was okay. He would throw his bright words to them, comfort them and act nice but he knew it wouldn't last. He cant always be like this. He felt like he would explode at any time and shout that it was all a lie. He wasn't Tsu-chan; he was a monster that couldn't even wipe his own tears away. He met Soka-chan though. Everything changed. He began to smile more effortlessly and he really liked him. There was something about Soka-chan that he wanted to set free. He wanted to free him from this reparation of sins and let him move on but then, he couldn't. After the incident in Kyoto, he just cant let him go. His heart ached but he knew it wouldn't last. Soka-chan might want to go and move on. But he didn't. He was happy. That was all that mattered. Well, for now, that is.

He hated his life and afterlife, but not really. Soka-chan. His partner. Love. Someone to live for. We needn't explain it further or do we?

* * *

They were like lost souls, both unwanted and shunned, but not really.

They were broken beyond mending and couldn't fly no matter how hard they tried, but not really.

They were both beautiful creatures, taken advantage by people. They hated their beauty, their eyes, their bodies, everything, but not really.

They needn't have to look elsewhere, they have each other.

_That was enough._

_Wasn't it? _

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Reviews of all sorts are gladly appreciated and welcomed. 


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